Peace of Mind

I haven’t forgotten

Nor have I lost touch

I just drifted away for a few

I went along with life

I gave it what it wanted

In return, it gave me a tear-less night

How to keep up

How to stay side by side with a timeline that goes against my own

How to match up to what this world wants to give me

When all it is giving me is heart ache

Heartache with no return or explanation

Explain to me this though…

Peace comes side by side with accepting your reality

When you accept your fate

When you don’t go against what’s written for you in the books

Books that seem to be out of our reach and understanding

Books that have us as starring characters, yet we are unaware of what the next page holds

Peace comes with acceptance of what you don’t want

Of what you have spent an eternity escaping

Once you start questioning

Once you start defying the course of nature

Not because you want to, because you have to

Then

Only then, you will learn that with peace comes excruciating pain

Only with acceptance will you be denied all that you have based your survival on

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Peace of Mind

I haven’t forgotten

Nor have I lost touch

I just drifted away for a few

I went along with life

I gave it what it wanted

In return, it gave me a tear-less night

How to keep up

How to stay side by side with a timeline that goes against my own

How to match up to what this world wants to give me

When all it is giving me is heart ache

Heartache with no return or explanation

Explain to me this though…

Peace comes side by side with accepting your reality

When you accept your fate

When you don’t go against what’s written for you in the books

Books that seem to be out of our reach and understanding

Books that have us as starring characters, yet we are unaware of what the next page holds

Peace comes with acceptance of what you don’t want

Of what you have spent an eternity escaping

Once you start questioning

Once you start defying the course of nature

Not because you want to, because you have to

Then

Only then, you will learn that with peace comes excruciating pain

Only with acceptance will you be denied all that you have based your survival on

Unseen misery

 

girlinalleySMILING

My heart melted miles away
I felt his despair
I felt his suffering
It was the first time I couldn’t bare what my eyes were witnessing
I’ve seen worse
I’ve seen more worth pity and heartache His legs barely keeping him up
His feet were shivering unable to carry his weak body
The dirt had Been melded Into his skin I’m sure he originated white as snow
Now the dark path he walks is shadowing his glow
The disgusting life he has been thrown in lays as a map in his eyes
Yet that smile was worth millions
That smile shined as pearls making themselves seen in an ocean
That smile reminded me of how selfish and greedy I have been
How unappreciative and soulless my life has been
All I had to do was offer a small nothing
I gave nothing that would do me any worth
What I offered changed nothing from my daily routine
A pack of cigarettes maybe
A pack of waste that Is used to slowly kill me
I exchanged that with a smile that brought me back to humanity
To me that nothing that I gave to that stranger might be meaningless in relativity But to that precious soul it was as if I gave him a chest of gold

My Sincere Apology

 

I apologize

For all that I am and will be

For my thoughts and my desires

For my wants and my needs

 

I will never be what is the given

I will never live up to the expectations

I will never be the one that got it right

I will never be the one that made it through

 

You saw me as a success when reality made me a failure

I was pictured as the one that conquers

But im down now and what I built is shattered

Im left with pebbles and sticks

 

I apologize for never making it through

For not being the one you set an example of

For not being the lady you spoke so highly of

For not being the wise one you complimented and described to the world

 

It wasn’t my doing

It wasn’t my choice

My mind overpowered my will

My questions exceeded what the universe could answer

 

My imagination and illusions took me to another world

Reality could never give me such

I decided to stick with what I was able to cope with

Till I eventually had to let go

 

I apologize for cutting it short

For not giving this world enough time to see what you saw in me

You should know that what you saw was your master piece

And as we all know , a master piece is only as valuable as its designer

 

Please forgive me

Forgive me for such hurtful decision

My intentions were to cause relief to the ones around

Never to cause pain and sorrow

 

Did I do you wrong?

Did I not understand what I had to do?

Did I cause more tears than I imagined?

Please understand, one of us had to go

As I said before and I say again

I do not exist without your beating heart

I will not steal that breath that you deserve

It had to come down to it

I couldn’t let the course of nature beat me to my own journey and ending

For once I needed to be one step ahead

As I was, so will my soul

Remember me as the princess in white

Remember me with those tiny eyes covered with that contagious smile

Remember me…. Regardless

girl on swing

 

Devil’s Tasks

It is your eyes that deceive you10478238_10154341603440459_4452789239655551699_n

They blur your vision into a melded image of what you “want “to see

They take what’s in front of you

They take what they can aim to see

Until they get everything they have to capture, and then fool your brain with it

Our sense of perception guided by our illusive sight

 Our ability to rationalize trained by our fooled brain

Our need to make sense of everything but only so it suits our preferences led by our selfish nature

Our want for success and for a brave image taught by our corrupted and chaotic society

It is our ego that lets us act like giants in a universe that limits us to dust

It’s our subjectivity that makes us always act superior in a world that we are not even close to standing on top of

It’s our overstated opinion that makes us deaf to facts spoken daily

It is the people that tap us on the back when we do wrong that make us never learn to do right

Us beings will never admit to our many wrongs because we cover them with our one right

We will never step up to our mistakes because we always twist them to corrects

We will step on top of our enemy who was once our friend, only to get one step closer

Until that day comes where you have to repent because you fear you will pay for your sins in another form

We need one another, we need a companion, we need a witness, and we need flesh

We do what we can to grab on to all that we need

Until the moment we stop needing

This is the moment we lose our sense of humanity

Some stop needing because they reach despair

A moment where their necessities are limited to food, water, and breathing

Only for them to exist physically

Yet, they are paralyzed mentally

Some stop needing because they have yet to move on to another

Leeching their way into society

Taking what they can and spitting out the rest

This is who we once are but grow out of for the sake of purity and enlightenment

This is who we are but cannot grow out of because nothing expects us too and immaturity rises

This is who we will become only to get a taste of the other side until we have the strength to go back

It is always easier on the other side playing out the devils tasks

Good was always more exhausting and worrying

Its rewards aren’t always in the present or what we always desire

Goes back to what you would want your reward to be and what is more worth it

How much good have you done? How much good do you do?

If you have to think too hard to get an answer, then it is not enough

A Simple Day Gone Bad

Don’t ever underestimate the privilege of having a choice

A choice for tomorrow

A say for what comes next

Your own path with your own conditions

 

Don’t ever take for granted the ability to wake up to that voice

To not have to memorize each sound in case you never hear it again

To not have to stare at that persons chest move up and down as they sleep, just to make sure they are breathing

To not get that constant image of the future with them not around and have your heart drop

 

Don’t ever forget to be thankful for being blessed with decisions that don’t contain death

Blessed For the privilege to cry because you are simply having a bad day

Blessed For the privilege to be angry because you didn’t get that raise or job

Blessed For the privilege to feel that your life is over because the universe didn’t give you what you planned

 

Some feel angry for waking up earlier than desired

While others wake up angry to the sound of agony wishing they stayed asleep

Some tear up for lack of support in their work environment

While others have a constant tear wishing they were able to tear up for those simple reasons

Some feel their lives ended along with something that is revived every second

While others had their life end on a simple rainy cold winter day in February

 

That same cold winter day had hearts and kisses all around

The love and element of surprise was wandering the atmosphere

It was a simple day with two best friends

One helping the other plan a surprise for her fiance to be

Our laughs and smiles lit up the streets

The sounds of our worry free voices caught all attention

Two vibrant souls living the life

 

Until that one phone call, that one last smile, that one last sense of freshness in the atmosphere

As she rushed me to the hospital

Tears flooded the ground knowing that the news was bad

It was that same day that took me away and would never bring me back

As we tried to go on our days thinking I’d be the same

 

That one phone call poisoned my tears until this day and on

That one last smile took me as far as it could, until it gave up on me

While it gave up on me, I gave up on everything else

 That one last sense of freshness, destroyed every single sense in my being

While it was destroying me sense by sense, I decided to help it

Until 2 years later we reached a breezy calm October day

Still I change to the worse day by day and will never be the same

 

TrainOctober. 18. 2012

One Hope

I have one wish
One hope
One need to make me content
For her to see me walk down the isle
For her to toast on the behalf of what a great mother she is
For her to see me the way she always dreamed she would
Me in a white dress with the tear hanging on that beautiful eyelash that she always told me she loved
I want to hug her tight
Tell her that my family name has changed
But I will always be her one and only daughter
Comfort her heart beat
Take her with me wherever I go
She is a mother worthy of having by your side at every journey and every moment
I want to wake up as a bride and have her beautiful face wake me up with that precious smile
Have her point at her lips and sign out she wants our coffee time
I want to wake up the next morning as a wife
Call her up and Have her see her one and only daughter all grown up
I hug her with a tear hanging
I lay her head on my lap , holding back my sob so she doesn’t feel
I act furiously so they don’t see the sadness in my tone
I crack a joke and act foolish so I can see her smile and wish I could keep it there forever
I was unable to grant her the joy and pride of having her daughter throw that hat one last time
And now I fear she won’t see her daughter be wed

loveJanuary .11.2013

Shifting Worlds

Count down has begun

The end of something yet the beginning of another

The world celebrates care free and worry free

Resolutions are made by the second, of plans, goals, dreams and desires

What exactly are we celebrating in this New Year?

Are we really ending something in hope of starting another?

Or are we fooling ourselves into an illusion because we desperately need a new beginning, any beginning

Deep within, knowing that nothing ends as a result of a beginning

Are we looking for a year filled with smiles, laughter, and success?

Rather than hoping for a year empty from tears, agony, and poorness

Do we spread out our joy and enthusiasm telling people “We hope this New Year will be better than the one before”?

Knowing deep in our souls, it won’t

Knowing that chances are, each person will most likely inherit a beginning of endless worries and sorrow

We are all hypocrites and will remain as such because that is what keeps us sane

We are told to become mature, become realistic, take the world as it is and survive it

We are then told to be optimistic, to see the brighter side,to believe in a light, to live a healthy, decent, pleasant life

How will there be light when your brain doesn’t allow your eyes to see it; when your brain, emotional and rational knows that our senses will cease the chance to fool you so it blocks it

For we all know that it is our mind that we can trust unconditionally, it is what’s been with us every step of the way

Tell me I’m wrong, I’m a pessimist; I’m young, solely because you are unable to admit, to see, to comprehend

Explain to me my future and my emotions; draw me a map of my journey

Manipulate my thoughts and my observations to alter your fake world

I will smile back for I am the most optimistic there is; I have seen the brightest of bright and lived through the best

I will picture and imagine as you draw me my tomorrow

I will help you create the most perfect fairy tale, because I can; I can switch worlds in my mind

That is exactly what it is, switching worlds

I will cherish and felicitate you on your illusive fantasy of our world

A world so deceptive, I wouldn’t be surprised if it did not exist and we only thought it did

For again, our mind is our only source of truth but is it really our own

I will reflect all that your mind has created in order to shelter yourself, only because I know

Only because I know how a smile can be buried under layers and layers of dirt

Until this world devours it to non existence; then devours you along with it

I know because I have woken up with dreams, hopes, and a descriptive journey of how beautiful and uplifting my journey in this world will be

To only have to witness it by lunch being destroyed; witness my heart being ripped out from my chest

Not because of its emotional context, but because it is what pumps life to the rest of my body

I know because I have always seen the light in a time where there was no hope

I have always been reassured by the source of my existence that no harm will be done as long as you see

Until I was forced to say goodbye to my source of life and light my source of purity in this disgusting sinful world

Until I discovered that the light exists only because we feed it with hope, prayer, and stories ever since we are born

A light that is based on love, devotion, security, warmth,and knowledge

A light that at a certain age, if you are able to get closer to it will see that it is but a switch

Controlled not by us but by the universe

 

January. 02. 2014

Happy Mother’s Day

Oh what a journey it has been since I last spoke to you

You have guided me throughout the years, to the place I am today

You have bared witness to it all

But It is not you that I would have hoped to be conversing with

Everything you observed and narrated came true my old friend

I spoke to you of my sorrow and agony

My shattered heart that broke whenever I held her in pain

Now I’m left soulless because I cannot even hold her at all

They say time heals and makes situations easier to be dealt with

Not this, not now, not ever

It gets harder and more difficult knowing that the sound of purity and harmony is being deteriorated

She is now trapped in a wooden box; speechless, senseless and cold

I can still see her beautiful face

I can still hear her sweet sweet voice, oh what a beautiful voice

I can still feel her warm tender touch, oh what a touch that takes you back to your first breath

Difference is, now I have trained my mind not to

Not to see her beautiful face glow on us all because when I see that, I see her face in that moment I said goodbye but she didn’t hear me

Not to imagine hearing her voice because then I remember that I don’t even remember when the last time we spoke was

Not to fantasize about feeling her touch because then I am brought back to the moment I was sobbing over her , grabbing on to her stiff and motionless being because it was all I had left

What a dilemma to be in

To have to choose between remembering your mother because its her that takes you to euphoria yet not being able to because it is the loss of her that takes you to your end

My old friend, you are nothing but an illusion that comes in different forms

But you have always guided me through

Remember my pain before , because it is you that held it and let the world see it

Remember my hurt and agony, because only you understood it

You held my words and gave them meaning; so you must remember

The hurt I am in now cannot even be scaled or measured up to

You have been my mirror and my reflection

You missed the part where my reflection has my mother standing close to me

You skipped the part where my reflection should have been of me in my wedding dress next to my mother

You took away the part where we are all sitting down having a family get together because what a family without its core

And most of all

You took my future away from me, my timeline, and my journey

You made my existence revolve around the inability to not exist

I apologize my love for the words you read

March. 21. 2014

Wait

We all eagerly wait

We wait for that one person to notice

For that one specific person to notice our hidden smile

For that one specific person to notice our tear that is disguised so beautifully

 

We all impatiently waitsad-girl-hd-t2

We wait for that one soul to listen

For that one soul to listen to our silence

For that one soul to listen to that heart beat that tells a tale

 

We all hopelessly wait

We wait for that one challenger to not give up

For that one challenger to not fear the difficult

For that one challenger to admire the unknown and mysterious

 

We all sadly wait

We wait for that second of relief and peace

For that sigh of comfort

For that one moment of serenity

 

Eventually you will be left after midnight

Not waiting for anything except that blink of an eye

Not eagerly, or impatiently, or hopelessly, or sadly waiting

Only mourning that simple thought

Only missing that sweet feeling

Only wishing for that sweet sense of warmth

 

January. 04. 2014